none of us thought this would ever happen,
that i would forget the definition of sleep because i could only learn the word confusion.
what is confusion?
confusion is iced black coffee on a Tuesday night
it is tears that should dry up any second now but they don’t
it is self-validation only after you hear compliments from men 20 years older than you even though you know they want what’s under your shirt
& I’m not talking about your heart.
confusion is wanting to text that one person at 5am only to find out that they’re busy texting someone else
it is lost priorities
it is craving his body on top of yours when you know it’s more probable that you wake up next to a ghost
it is having people who love you around you but only needing that one shoulder
that one voice
confusion is alcohol knowing you have an important meeting the next morning
it’s when you won’t stop drinking because you want that one euphoric moment where you could almost feel him
it is waking up to knowing it wasn’t him kissing your head it was the booze poisoning your mind
confusion is knowing that there is better out there while wanting to settle for sadness,
because your thoughts are the only place he hasn’t left yet.
you don’t know confusion until you force yourself to wake up if you’re not dreaming about him.
you don’t know confusion until you start searching for him in every passing car, in every conversation, in every man you meet.
you don’t know confusion until you smoke a pack of cigs a day because you want to get rid of the his smell chasing you everywhere
you are in every street of this city, in every corner we’ve discovered and beneath every street light we’ve kissed under.
you were and still are everything. i miss you.